Like a Star
by Kireina-Ame
Summary: What makes a star, a star? What makes Rukia, Rukia? A short one-shot at how she came to be the woman we know. Very slight IchiRuki pairing.


**WARNINGS**: This contains mature material of a somewhat dark nature. I didn't mean for my first Bleach story to be a downer but I just HAD to write something about my favorite anime character of ALL TIME! Besides, this story took a different turn at the end for the more happy ending.

**Disclaimer**: Don't own a thing. Not making a dime. Unless you're offering…?

**Author's Notes**: I came up with this while wondering to myself two different things. First, how can an attractive woman who is surrounded by men live for 150 years (give or take) and even possibly be a virgin? Most stories assume she must be. There's definitely nothing I've seen as of yet that suggests either possibility. (But then again, I'm only watching the series. Though, give me credit, I'm watching solely in Japanese and well aware of what arcs are "non-manga" cannon. If you volunteer to buy me the manga, I welcome your contributions!) Second, what is her attitude towards the more love? Would she be nonchalant or shy? Or both? Or neither.

So, with that, here we go!

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><p><em><strong>Like a Star<strong>_

What makes a star, a star? Is it that it's bright? Is it that it's far away, out of reach? Is it that it appears to be accompanied by a magnitude of companions when in reality it sits alone, the nearest friend light years away? Is it in its nature? They are so cold and so brilliant, so steady and so fierce, so magnificent and so violent. Or is it merely the sum of its parts? Could it possibly come down to something as simple, logical, and lifeless as a chemical reaction? Or, just perhaps, it's everything that it does to others. They inspire poetry, science, exploration, romance, peace, and determination.

So then, what makes Rukia, Rukia? Surely more than a _Shinigami_. More than a Kuchiki. More than a child from the 78th district of _Rukongai_. She's spirited and willful. She has a natural talent for _kido_ and the spiritual arts. She's introverted and a little shy. She's forceful and brave. She's gentle and kind. And while many things make up what Rukia is, there are mysteries that linger.

**Rukia is a girl.**

Growing up in "The Hanging Dog", the 78th district of _Rukongai_, was not easy for anyone. But when you're a child, you're good for only two things: manual labor and beatings. And if you were a girl, you were only good for three things: manual labor, beatings, and pleasure. That is, if you couldn't escape the dredges of the street. If you managed to find yourself trustworthy friends or a loving family, you may have saved yourself multiple lifespans of suffering and misery. But nothing good in that district ever seemed to last for anyone.

It was more than just corner brothels. It was abused children and assaulted spouses. But if you surrounded yourself with protection or held power or strength, it wouldn't touch you. That's what it came down to. It was rarely pleasure just for pleasure's sake. It was the play of authority, the wielding of power, the assumption and control of supremacy. The rule was to be high on the hierarchy or get out of the way.

**Rukia is a loner.**

She was found alone as an infant. Barely born in the _World of the Living_ before her life came to an abrupt halt, sending her to the _Soul Society_. She was not aware that she didn't actually come alone. All she knew is that she was raised, for however short a time, by a group of older children until they were taken in by the power, greed, filth, and death of _The Hanging Dog_. Some lost interest and left willingly. Others… didn't. Either way, she found herself alone again only a few short years after her arrival. She could not recall now even if she tried the names or faces of that dysfunctional family she started with.

And though aging in the afterlife isn't the same as the World of the Living, they did mature and grow. It also is not consistent over all people. Some with no spiritual energy, _reiatsu_, would age at a snail's pace. Decades could pass without any noticeable difference. Some people aged more rapidly when their bodies were young and then the process would ease to a crawl in their physical adulthood. Mostly, people in the 78th district wouldn't live long enough in this life to notice what category they fell in. They would be reincarnated on the other side or their spirit would make up the Soul Society to wait its turn to be recycled into new life, a new soul.

She lost that first family when she was about four years old, though she wouldn't be able to tell you how accurate that time frame was. She aged like a human as a baby but found that it slowed down considerably when she reached puberty. Though, she had nothing but others around her for comparison.

After that, she lived on her own. She hid under the wooden floors of the open air market decks to find food that was occasionally dropped by sloppy adults. Having always been small, she fit in the shelving spaces of the kiosks when she sought refuge and a nap. She particularly liked the ones that sold clothe rags and offered as scraps for clothing. But her favorite place was atop the world, sitting in the trees. She didn't feel so small.

**Rukia is not good at making friends.**

Though she always enjoyed watching the people scurry about, trudging through their daily lives without a glance her way, she never sought their company. She was always close, listening in to children playing, adults arguing, the drunks babbling, and the gangsters feuding. But she didn't have a family, friend, or place to call her own. No one knew she existed.

She wasn't sure why at that particular moment when she was roughly eight years old that she decided to get involved. Maybe she really wanted those kids to get away with the goods they stole and knew they needed her. Maybe she thought it rather looked like fun. Maybe she was tired of waiting for something to happen to her and wanted to _make_ it happen. Then again, it could have simply been that she didn't like that old man at the table who loved to whack children that came too close for even looking at his wares.

But she did get involved and she felt important. She felt big. She felt like she could belong. She learned to share, to laugh, to explore, and to care. She made her own family.

**Rukia speaks like a man.**

She never had much need to talk aloud to begin with. But when she finally had friends and found things to say, she still never saw the need to inflect her tone in that girlish way the women of the night did. The high pitch, the volume, the false merriment had no purpose for her. She did not want to gain the attentions of men, she did not want to seem vulnerable, young, or weak. She distanced herself from danger by lowering her pitch and ridding herself of inflection. She needed to be overlooked. She would occasionally forget herself with her friends and allow her softer chords and giggles to bubble forth, but she would never find herself making that mistake with strangers.

And it wasn't just in her sounds. She didn't use sweet or silly words. Even at a young age, she knew the frivolity of cute words and phrases, though this may have had a lot more to do with her male friends than mere survival. But it definitely helped to cement her vocal personality. Although, she did secretly appreciate the simple beauty of blooming flowers, the way the wings of the Hell butterflies were a graceful, iridescent black, the baby creatures that would scavenge scraps of food near the district's outskirts, and the stars on a clear night. She had a secret femininity that needn't be shared.

**Rukia is a young woman.**

When she began to resemble a teenager rather than an androgynous child, she began to receive more attention from passersby. She never thought of herself as pretty but that wasn't what mattered in this district anyway. She felt for certain it all came back down to power and, after all, she was just a skinny girl that wouldn't prove a difficult battle for an average sized man. She began to develop a healthy amount of anger and fear of being without her hodge-podge family. She knew she was smart enough to outwit, fast enough to outrun, but she wasn't stupid enough to think that she'd always get away.

She would have been roughly 14 or 15 years old, her physical appearance of age not lagging too far behind, when she learned firsthand the safety in numbers. Whether you were children or not, never be without your comrades. It is the lonesome sparrow that will find itself prey to the raptors of the night.

The young woman had just wanted to retrieve a few yards of clothe from a tree she had hid them in. She couldn't pass up the unprotected, unguarded warm material when she saw it a few days before. She could meet back up with her friends in no time at all before the sun fell and darkness descended. Renji had already pledged them all some fish for dinner and the others were to go abscond with sewing supplies and start a warm fire by the river. They were all growing kids, after all, and needed to put together some new yukatas to wear before winter hit.

It was easy to find her favorite tree and dislodge the thick, tattered material hanging in a high branch. She ran her small hand over the stack and smiled. It would be warm and beautiful. She even found a lavender pattern for herself that would make any _Rukongai_ girl feel like a princess. Balling up the fabric as best she could, she slipped back down the tree and started in the direction of the river, watching the sun peek behind the dust-covered shacks as it descended.

Then _he_ came. A stumbling man with rough hands, dark teeth, and the smell of cheap beer on his breath. Bruising her arm with his strength and stealing her voice with his violence, he breathed promises of pain into her ear if she didn't 'play along'. Rukia had not felt that kind of fear or dread before in her short life. She couldn't scream or even swallow. Her knees would not hold her body and her skin crawled in disgust at his touch.

She knew what he wanted, what he would have done, if voices didn't carry over from the next alley and drove him back into hiding. He must have been afraid of whoever the men were that were fighting one another and making their way closer to her position but she didn't stop to ponder over it. She grabbed the cotton bundle and pushed her muscles to the limit in a desperate sprint to distance herself from that street.

**Rukia is a woman.**

Her body may have appeared to halt around the form of a 15 year old but she most certainly was not. She had to have been nearing 19 years old by this time and all of her friends, save Renji, had already been lost to the horrors of _Rukongai_'s 78th district. She had stopped trusting everyone else and was ready to leave it all behind her. She made no other friends, never let a single person get away with laying a hand on her, and protected herself from even wandering eyes. She had lost any desire to engage in teenaged flirting years before when she realized men were just disgusting creatures that would sooner crush a flower as look at it. And if it weren't for her single remaining friend, she would have put a hex on the entire male half of the species.

And so, she and Renji said their goodbyes to _Hanging Dog_, determined to never set foot in it again. They were leaving for a better life, to _Seireitei_, to become shinigami. Their family may have been broken and small but as long as they had each other, they would not be alone in life.

Rukia became practical, collected, controlled, subtle, private, and hard as stone. She liked to be with Renji, a veritable brother in arms, but had closed herself off to new friends. The condescending nobles, the snobby rich peers that they had to deal with on a regular basis forced a greater wedge between them and the rest of their world. It was hard not to be bitter or lose hope.

Though there was this one boy, not that she could remember his name. Then again, she may not have even known what it was at the time. That was not important. He had a gentle hand and easy smile. She did not fear him and he demanded nothing of her. He would smile at her when she entered the lecture hall after his class left. He would wish her a good morning and nod to her in the hall when they passed each other.

No, she was certain she never knew his name. And he was certainly not in her class level. In fact, she had not found his face again after her first year of training. But what she remembered about this boy – no, _man_ – was that it was someone like him that restored her faith in possibility. She imagined herself holding hands, hugging, kissing, or giving herself to a man like that. She could smile again at the thought that there were gentlemen, heroes, out there. Ones who did not threaten but whispered loving words, did not take but _gave_, that did not growl but _smiled_, that did not kill but _saved_.

Who that man was did not matter. Rukia harbored no special feelings for him. But she knew that one day, maybe, she could find a man for her that could ignite something in her. One that would not let her down.

**Rukia can love.**

There was a man that entered her life that brought love and light. But he exited and brought pain and loneliness. Kaien Shiba was strong, beautiful, wonderful, and everything that Rukia had been searching for. It was even fine that he was hopelessly in love with someone else. He had an equally strong, beautiful, wonderful wife. Rukia wasn't jealous or even entertained thoughts of breaking them up. They were so much more marvelous together than they were apart. That's what she wanted to have, one day. She was merely honored to have been a part of his life.

Yes, she did love him. Completely and utterly. But she didn't need to have him. He looked at her with kindness, taught her everything about relationships that she hadn't known about before, and gave her a heart that she would later someday be able to bestow on another. He gave her a smile, the bravery to make friends, and the strength to withstand her adopted family's coldness and judgments.

He gave her a purpose to become stronger, protect what you love both present and future, and to be a hero. He gave her loyalty that was freely given without request. He gave her support, routine, friendship. He was the embodiment of goodness and strength. And yes, she loved him.

**Rukia can cry.**

When Kaien had died… or, rather, when Rukia had killed him, her heart froze over. It did not simply just die. If it had ceased to be, life would have been easy to endure with numb indifference. But instead, everything hurt. Every sunrise without her mentor and his wife were offensive to her very senses. Every twinkle of starlight mocked what her world had lost.

She was losing interest in living at all. She had begun to separate herself from everything and everyone. Even her childhood friend had stopped caring about her many years beforehand. The small shinigami felt herself become dark, almost morbid. She didn't fear death, whatever it really was. After all, she had already done that once before, right? And that dark abyss had already taken her friends from _Rukongai_ and now her idols. She was alone again.

Her captain, Ukitake-_taicho_, had also sensed the change in her. But try as he might, he could not reach her where she had retreated inside herself (and her adopted older brother could not even be bothered to try). He did all he could to warm her spirit, to at least encourage her to let out the pain, to begin the healing process. But nothing worked. She was hard as ice and twice as numb.

Twenty-some years* into her depression, he decided to take the initiative and put her name in the roster for missions to the Living World. At a minimum he hoped that a change in scenery would help her. But at best, he was hoping that she would find new motivation to live, a purpose to fulfill, a reason to go on.

And she did. But it led her back to facing her death. This time, it was against her wishes… but for the love of another. She would be damned if another beautiful soul would die because of what she saw as her shortcomings. If she could die and leave this world for the next having been someone else's hero while having the chance to atone for what she felt were her worse sins, then it would not be a loss.

What happened next shook Rukia down to her cold, frozen heart. The fear and pain of getting close to another person all left her. Her faith was restored. Her heart was returned to her by a human boy with orange hair. There were still souls worth saving, worth being strong for, worth living for, worth loving. There really were heroes left.

This boy, this human, this substitute shinigami could perform the impossible. He delivered miracles without hesitation or self-congratulatory arrogance. And he saw _her_. He _saw_ Rukia without eyes. She wasn't a street rat, she wasn't a noble, she wasn't a no-account shinigami, she wasn't a murderer. She was just his friend. And that was more than enough for her.

She could be his star. She would provide guidance, light his way, and clear away the dark on the blackest of nights. She would watch over him, keep him safe, and right all his wrongs. She could be his star, just as he had become hers.

**Rukia can live on.**

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><p>*The fact that I'm guessing at least twenty years went by between Kaien's death and Rukia going to the Living World is that Ganju Shiba went from being a little kid when his brother died to an older man when Ichigo meets him in going to save Rukia. Filling in some years in Rukia's complicated timeline! I swear this girl couldn't possibly be around 150 years old because there are too many holes!<p>

Here is what we know directly from the cannon story:

Rukia met Renji and knew him for 10 years before all their friends died and they set out to be shinigami.

(But how old was she when they met? How long did it take them to be accepted into the Academy?)

(How long was she at the Academy as a student?)

Rukia had been a part of the Kuchiki family for 40 years before going to the Living World. Once she was adopted, she skipped her exit exam and graduated immediately to be put into a squad, where she met Kaien.

Oh, here's another mystery: In the cannon story, Isshin is said to have left Soul Society roughly 20 years prior to the start of the storyline ( that's roughly 5 years before Ichigo is born). But if he left _Seireitei_ that recently… Rukia would have already been adopted into the Kuchiki family. So even if they didn't know each other personally, he would have _**known**_ of her… So, what the hell? They _**totally**_ would have recognized each other! She may have gotten away with not being recognized if she didn't use the Kuchiki family name since she was just a non-seated, unimportant shinigami (at the time) in someone else's squad. But c'mon, only four major noble families and she's adopted out of _Rukongai_? Everyone knew who she was by name at least!

Haha, sorry for the rant. Plot holes!

**But I hope you enjoyed my first Bleach story. Yes, this is just a one-shot and doesn't really have room for a sequel or anything. But I do want to drop hints that some others are in the works already. ^_~ Please leave a comment to let me know what you thought of it. Or even if you just have an answer to my plot hole questions!**


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